No Title

Who am I to not be the magnet I was called to be.
Every one of them seem to cling to Bri.
Scattered thoughts about what I don't understand.
Is it out of line for me to want to be the better man?
You left, unformally.
Something that seems quite normal to me.
You implied you would always be here.
Seems like a lie, because the pain feels like it came from a spear.
You'll come back to visit.
But it's hard to take, like AP Physics.
You could have told me yourself.
My heart is having trouble with its health.
Wealth? Naw, my money gone like Tulsa street lights.
I feel broke because love is overpriced.
I wasted, I am still wasting time.
Tears I didn't have scheduled in line.
You are like a bird with a good song.
I miss you, so am I wrong?
They say I am because I'm trying to understand.
I just wish that I could hold your hand.
I wish my mouth would have started talking.
My brain is now out of my mind, it just started walking.
I am sick of people leaving.
Maybe I should up and go, and longer than just a weekend.
They say nothing lasts forever.
So who can I call on when only your hug can make things a little better?
I shouldn't rely on you that much.
But all this not luckiness, I have never heard of such.
Like a leech, I got attached.
It feels like I just relapsed.
Oh well.
This is just how I really feel.
Yep, forget trying to be nice, "I'm on one."
Wish you didn't go away, like sunset is to sun, Gone.
All I have is pictures, thoughts about past memories.
Take this feeling away please. Homicidal dreams.
It's killing me to know that you are so far.
I'm just gonna get in the fastest car.
Drive away, fly away, run away.
Just escape.
Plain and simple.
Have you ever heard of an upside down dimple?
Wrinkle. Iron it out.
I'm in the library, but still about to shout.
I don't want to be too loud. Because I'm too afraid of a crowd.
But my heart's crying out but still there ain't no sound.
What I am saying is I miss you pretty eyes, nice smile, overall all your style.
And I'm in the stage of denial. <3

#all jokes aside, you could fist pump to this. (#inside funny)

#heartspill

I'm too far right now.

Too far to be seen.

No I am not invisible.

But my heart can't really say the same.

I am looking at this thing in the mirror trying to analyze it.

This thing just happens to be me.

If I can't see what I'm supposed to be then how can they or He.

How could that be? You know my destiny?

you say I'm pretending to feel this frustration creep up my spine at every opportunity.

I think I know me more than any prognosis.

Not to be rude but I just can't understand how this is normal.

The tears that fall and the emotions I feel.

Is it that my heart is softening?

What if I told you my heart already had it's funeral.

When everyone laughed at what I wanted to do.

I took the actor position and played the part everyone thought I should play.

I was pretty good, and still am.

I now love acting, I'm good at it.

I love the piano and the sax.

But when I left the Northwest, that love died with an axe.

I'm still good but I can be better.

This blog was supposed to be a poem.

Now its seeming more like a letter.

Letter to whom, I suppose I don't know.

Maybe to my heart that seems to be 6 ft under.

What would be the point of writing to something dead?

Maybe it is to the heart that I hope to receive during this transplant.

Or maybe my old heart can be resurrected.

Or maybe someone can reach in between.

In between the dirt and the coffin my heart was buried in.

To somehow pull out my heart.

The heart that once was able to love.

This isn't about my love for piano, sax and acting.

This is about me having my old heart back.

I want to let go of culture and grasp onto Love, real Love.

Sincerely,

Hope.

Acting, Piano and the Sax are my loves.

God needs to be my first love so I can do these things for Him.

#heartspill

English Assignment. A+

May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future. -Unknown

It was a wet, dark morning, I woke up from a dream of playing with my friends. Last night was pretty normal for me, staying outside until 2 or 3 in the morning, waking up just to go play some more. I always have to pee in the morning. So I get up out of my bed covered with a Powerpuff girl blanket and work my way past the toys and clothes all over the floor. I open my door and walk past my mom’s room. Is that another stupid grandpa I have to call daddy? I sit down on the brown toilet that is the color of crust on a burnt pizza. I pee and don’t wipe, because there is no toilet paper. I always wonder what grown people mean when they say, “High Jean.”

I yell as I run out of the door to go outside and play, “Im going to play.” It’s Saturday because I didn’t have school today. Or maybe it’s a holiday. My friends are all outside. I wonder what we will do today. Catch bees, play hide-and-go-seek or race each other. I always win the races. As soon as I beat them all, I run up the stairs of our apartment building. The outside walls are falling apart and there is dark dirt piling up all over the bottom of the walls. The stairs have blue rails with rocky stairs. On my way up the stairs I wish about all the things I would love to eat. I wished I had plates of pancakes stacked like paper on my teacher’s desk. I know there is nothing, but I love wishing.

I walk in to see a cop talking to my mom. They asked me to get the keys to the house. I reached in my mom’s coat pocket and grabbed a crack pipe instead. They took her - the meth addicted woman - to jail for stealing, and I went to go live with my grandparents because of one, small, silver pipe. My grandparents said, “ Who do you want to live with?” I said “ My mom.” “That’s not an option,” is all they said.

Written from personal experience for an assignment in my English class.

Beep Beep. ()thought recovered() Beep Beep.

I never thought nothing of it when the swelling first began.

I always wondered why his voice changed. 

Sooner not later, I was afraid of the diagnosis so I tried not to think about it.

With a reminder that this is when I was asked to assist with transportation to the 4 walls.

Yes I agreed, some part of me wanted to know what the future would come to.

Neuropathy, loss of movement and sensation due to damage of a nerve or nerve group.

The assistance was needed when the strings of the nerves were becoming more and more lazy.

Why cant they just be replaced like humans with jobs.?.

Then the first fall happened.

I figured clumsiness was taking over for a time.

Little did I know that this "clumsiness" became consistent.

The shoe needed to be tied, it was tied.

The body needed to stand, it couldnt.

Instead the body collapsed into a ball I had never experienced.

The weight was three times more than I could carry.

I tried to lift and pull, nothing made the body budge.

I cried, afraid because I was helpless and didnt understand what was going on.

Life moved on.

Revisited old life.

Stakes were placed.

Hard ground was slept on.

Mt. Rushmore was visited.

All this time I thought the body was being nourished with foods not eaten for an amount of time.

Bear friends were made.

Miles were marked.

Pedals were pushed.

Beautiful skies were captured.

Heavenly balls layed upon.

Good people visited.

Everything was good, so I was told.

I showed up to rehearse for the night I always look forward to.

Awesome.

Skin and bones is all I saw.

Meat where did you run away to.?.

A fall I saved him from.

I left for just one day and now laughter is made because the stairs were beaten up.

How is this funny.?.

I guess laughter was the only way to block the thought of not knowing what was happening.

Gatorade was the only drink drunken.

Until the fridge tried to eat the body.

A call had to be made for the assistance of the body.

How much longer does this have to last.?.

Hallelujah, Amen, Another Sunday.

An angel stopped the stairs from being taken.

Instead a royal ride in the chariot was requested.

After a decision to take the grassy path instead of the concrete,

the grass was flattened just a centimeter more.

ASSISTANCE.!. ASSISTANCE.!.

I had never experienced actually seeing a fall like that.

I wanted to make a waterfall of my tears.

My pillow was already drenched from anxiety.

No tissue could contain the liquids exiting my sockets.

A silent scream was heard from within.

Do we need to call an ambulance.?.

Afraid that one was actually needed, the answer was no.

Confined to a stationary chair for 12 hours.

I'm sorry but no more falls will be made on my watch.

The night ended.

Supposedly no falls on Monday.

Only a crawl and a result of a body on the ground.

A lie or a straight story.?.

A thought of going to the 4 walls.

Scratch that.

Next day.

6 hours in ER.

Unsuccessful tests done.

I wanted to be an escort the entire way.

I couldn't.

Code Blue.?.?.?.

Somebody is dying.?.?.?.?.?.

4502.?.?.?.?.?. 

Tears fell.

Anxiety built up.

Thoughts running.

A tube, down the throat of a man, not just a body, that I thought I would never see again.

Seeing him like this.

It kills me.

No words spoken. 

Only words written, occasionally successful.

Signs made.

I wish I knew sign language.

All I can see are the 4 walls, the tubes and his nerveless body.

Now I all can hear is the beep beep.

Ha wait, here comes my thoughts again.

Beep Beep.

Now my dreams tell me he is lost.

Anxiety and Fear Can't Take Over Tonight.

I NEED REST.

I love you daddy.

You can't and won't leave me now.

Love, your baby girl.

Thought the First hit was the Last

It Silenced the roaring lion. It Silenced the wish of dying. It Silenced every voice. It Silenced every choice. Overall it Silenced life. Deep down it should have Silenced the boy. Because of the boy it Silenced me.

This poem I made has been on my mind all week. Tryin not to quit. I have gotten accepted to the college of my dreams. I don't know how to be excited though because of the pre fund I don't have. Stress has almost conquered me this week. I know it will never happen from him again. But you gonna get yours bro! Night!

Everything Didn't Go As Planned

I planned to stay home as much as I could, but I have only visited once.
I can't take her not being there.
It just doesn't seem right for me to be there when she is not.
And now the person I never wanted to hurt is being injured because of my attitude.
I just am going through alot right now and I am busy at random moments of the say.
Basically I'm sorry.
Sorry for not following through on my plan to stay with you as much as I could.
But I'm not trying to hurt you intentionally.
Please forgive me!

The Navy.

In dedication to her.

The Navy is taking her away from me.
She was all I seemed to have left here.
I know she has to go away to learn responsibility, but cant it wait?
Her and I never really hang out but the times we do share, I cherish.
I will miss her but I know she has to do this for her.
I should stop being selfish and trying to keep everybody to my self.

I love you Sarah! You are Navy Bound and you will return Safe and Sound.
Guess this is Goodbye for now Goofy Goober #1 a.k.a. Seaman Recruit.

I. Not you, I.

I have never blogged before so I guess I will see where it takes me.

Well it's very early in the morning.
I am a girl.
I am "African American." or to dumb it down I was a black person born and raised in America.
I was born. (that was a real shocker!)
I get good grades.
I had a mom, and she had me and drugs.
I have a dad.
I have two half brothers and one half sister.
I had a dog, named Lyenol Richie Washington, but he got ran over.
I was in Washington, now I'm in Oklahoma.
I was a kindergartener now I'm a senior.
I used to be a virgin, that was taken from me too too long ago.
I said taken, not given.
I have scars that fill up my left arm, they are finally fading away.
I have nightmares stuck in my head.
I have near death experiences that still haunt me.
I hopefully don't have anymore of that 50,000mg dose left inside of me.
I was stupid.
I am learning.
I am still depressed after all the treatment I didnt benefit from.
I still have multiple thoughts of suicide.
I almost died when my mom called and said she had taken 50 Seroquel.

I cry.
I am not like anybody else.
I am not like my mom, my dad, my peers or anybody.
I am wanting love.
I am wanting attention, I finally admitted it.
I don't know what the point of this was, but I am finally exposing me.