I always wondered why his voice changed.
Sooner not later, I was afraid of the diagnosis so I tried not to think about it.
With a reminder that this is when I was asked to assist with transportation to the 4 walls.
Yes I agreed, some part of me wanted to know what the future would come to.
Neuropathy, loss of movement and sensation due to damage of a nerve or nerve group.
The assistance was needed when the strings of the nerves were becoming more and more lazy.
Why cant they just be replaced like humans with jobs.?.
Then the first fall happened.
I figured clumsiness was taking over for a time.
Little did I know that this "clumsiness" became consistent.
The shoe needed to be tied, it was tied.
The body needed to stand, it couldnt.
Instead the body collapsed into a ball I had never experienced.
The weight was three times more than I could carry.
I tried to lift and pull, nothing made the body budge.
I cried, afraid because I was helpless and didnt understand what was going on.
Life moved on.
Revisited old life.
Stakes were placed.
Hard ground was slept on.
Mt. Rushmore was visited.
All this time I thought the body was being nourished with foods not eaten for an amount of time.
Bear friends were made.
Miles were marked.
Pedals were pushed.
Beautiful skies were captured.
Heavenly balls layed upon.
Good people visited.
Everything was good, so I was told.
I showed up to rehearse for the night I always look forward to.
Awesome.
Skin and bones is all I saw.
Meat where did you run away to.?.
A fall I saved him from.
I left for just one day and now laughter is made because the stairs were beaten up.
How is this funny.?.
I guess laughter was the only way to block the thought of not knowing what was happening.
Gatorade was the only drink drunken.
Until the fridge tried to eat the body.
A call had to be made for the assistance of the body.
How much longer does this have to last.?.
Hallelujah, Amen, Another Sunday.
An angel stopped the stairs from being taken.
Instead a royal ride in the chariot was requested.
After a decision to take the grassy path instead of the concrete,
the grass was flattened just a centimeter more.
ASSISTANCE.!. ASSISTANCE.!.
I had never experienced actually seeing a fall like that.
I wanted to make a waterfall of my tears.
My pillow was already drenched from anxiety.
No tissue could contain the liquids exiting my sockets.
A silent scream was heard from within.
Do we need to call an ambulance.?.
Afraid that one was actually needed, the answer was no.
Confined to a stationary chair for 12 hours.
I'm sorry but no more falls will be made on my watch.
The night ended.
Supposedly no falls on Monday.
Only a crawl and a result of a body on the ground.
A lie or a straight story.?.
A thought of going to the 4 walls.
Scratch that.
Next day.
6 hours in ER.
Unsuccessful tests done.
I wanted to be an escort the entire way.
I couldn't.
Code Blue.?.?.?.
Somebody is dying.?.?.?.?.?.
4502.?.?.?.?.?.
Tears fell.
Anxiety built up.
Thoughts running.
A tube, down the throat of a man, not just a body, that I thought I would never see again.
Seeing him like this.
It kills me.
No words spoken.
Only words written, occasionally successful.
Signs made.
I wish I knew sign language.
All I can see are the 4 walls, the tubes and his nerveless body.
Now I all can hear is the beep beep.
Ha wait, here comes my thoughts again.
Beep Beep.
Now my dreams tell me he is lost.
Anxiety and Fear Can't Take Over Tonight.
I NEED REST.
I love you daddy.
You can't and won't leave me now.
Love, your baby girl.
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